I'm pretty sure you've heard those lawyer advertisements aimed at everyone who lives something less than a life of perfection. The ads are all pretty much the same, "Have you taken pixielitis tablets for a chronic runny nose? Pixielitis has been shown to cause acne, diarrhea and crankiness. You may be entitled to damages. Call the law offices of Dewy, Cheatem and Howe immediately."
Just the other day I heard that a group of lawyers was considering a class action suit against companies supplying us with fatty food. Can't you just see the ad? "Have you ever enjoyed a Big Mac or a couple of Whoppers? Do you like to upsize your fries? These fatty foods have been shown to clog your arteries and enlarge your body. You may be entitled to a free membership in Weight Watchers, a new couch and enough lawyer fees to set me up for life. Call the law offices of Frye, Edam, and Phatt."
Watch out Ronald McDonald, the fat people are not going to take this sitting down any more, okay we may remain seated, but we're still not going to take it. We know of your insidious plan to take over the minds and fatten up the bodies of our children. Sure you put playground equipment at your restaurants, but only to fill our kids with French fries and fried chicken strips, no doubt all to be washed down with some fat-laden milk-free milkshake.
What was done to the cigarette companies can be done to fast food restaurants and purveyors of ice cream cones everywhere. We're not responsible for the fat, couch potatoes we've become, you are. We're not responsible for what we put in our mouths, you are and we're gonna make you pay.
And don't think the little talking dog is getting off either. You call them burritos, we call them fattitos. Let every restaurant selling chili cheese fries or a whole fried onion beware, your time has come. We are going to push our fat butts off the couch and waddle down to a lawyer's office. We're not going to eat it, I mean take it, anymore.
It was many years and dreams ago that I attended the University of Mississippi School of Law. I don't speak of it much, though the experience resulted in several good friends and a job right out of law school. I've never practiced law and have been thankful as all getout for many years.
In law school we learned to fight for the rights of citizens as guaranteed in the US Constitution. We learned that the legal system is all about protecting the innocent. Sure we dreamed of one great products liability case that would allow us to move from a dingy office and part-time secretary to a high-rise suite, but mostly we just wanted to make a decent living and maybe help someone along the way.
Searching for an entity to sue now seems to be a never ending quest for the pot of gold. When we get to those who only sell us what we freely ask for and choose to buy, I'm wondering if it has gone too far. Who is going to be next, maybe a wanna be humor columnist who didn't make you laugh?
Citing irreconcilable differences, Drew Barrymore and her husband, Tom Green, are getting a divorce after a six-month marriage. Six months? I've had a toothache that lasted longer than six months. My wife and I have arguments that run on longer than six months. It's not even a whole season of NBA basketball. Besides, you've got to figure the differences didn't begin on day one of connubial bliss. Maybe at least the honeymoon was over before irreconcilable differences reared their ugly heads. It would seem these differences destroyed Drew's obviously less than rock solid marriage in a great deal under six months.
What kind of vows are people taking today? "Until death do you part, OR we'll do a review at six months." In the first six months of marriage the fact that your husband picks his teeth in public doesn't even annoy you. In the beginning six months of marriage you don't fight over who gets the bathroom first. In the first six months of marriage you haven't learned to hate the in-laws or complained about walking her wiener dog, Queenie.
The first six months of marriage is a time when we say that a couple is getting to know each other. What we mean is that they are having sex a lot and neither one thinks of it as a duty. He still buys her flowers, watches date movies, and visits her parents without complaint. She thinks the way he snores is cute and makes an effort to comprehend the intricacies of NASCAR. Neither of them understands why their married friends have arguments. Ah yes, the first six months.
Besides, who the heck came up with the idea that you could get a divorce for irreconcilable differences? After thirty years of marriage let me tell you that there are always irreconcilable differences. She wants to see a play and you want to catch the ballgame. She wants to shop and you want to play golf. She wants to decorate the house and you want a new car. These things are never reconciled. Why can't Drew and Tom do what the rest of us do, fight 'till you drop and make up in sheer desperation?
Irreconcilable differences are something that a lawyer came up with and maybe sounds better than, "Jerk" "Witch" "Jerk" "Witch." It is at once an admission of failure and a handy means of covering up the facts. How much of a commitment did this couple have to their marriage? Well, it lasted a bit longer than Drew's nineteen-day marriage to Jeremy Thomas.
A nineteen-day marriage is more like waking up with a coyote ugly stranger after partying much too hard and thinking to yourself, "What have I done?" At least you didn't bother with a license or accept gifts or recite vows. The subsequent medical tests are likely to be cheaper than a divorce.
Maybe there should be a written test before two people get married. You can't drive a car or get into college without taking one. Of course I'm not sure what kind of questions would be asked. It's not like there are any recognized rules of the road or body of information you must know.
I guess in the final analysis irreconcilable differences means there was nothing left when the lust ran out.
The kids are grown and finally got jobs that allow them to live - and do their laundry - somewhere other than your home. The new is wearing off retirement and you now actually enjoy leaving the house and once drove past your former place of employment while smiling and making funny gestures as you remembered that wonderful boss, Attila.
It's three months until the post-vacation tropical cruise and your woodworking efforts consist of two whirl-a-gigs that only turn during a tornado. Someone suggests a movie, which falls into the category of great adventure since the last movie you saw was the opening of Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid. If any of this fits you, please listen up. There are movie going rules and you need a refresher.
Rule number one is never be late. You can't see in the dark. The older we get the longer it takes our eyes to adapt so you will wind up standing in front of the theater and exchanging comments like, "I can't see a thing can you?" "No. It's pitch black." "Is that a seat up there?" "Where?" "There." This will not endear you to other movie patrons.
Seeing a movie is not like watching television at home. There are strangers in the room with you who don't want to hear about Aunt Bessy's gall bladder surgery or Uncle Fred's problems with his prostate. Trust me on this one. These strangers will not be receptive to your running commentary on the movie. They really won't care that your nephew Frank bears a striking resemblance to Tom Cruise or your opinion that he's a jerk for leaving Nicole Kidman, even though this view is widely shared.
When going to a movie make the bathroom your last stop before entering the theater. Do not, and this is crucial, do not pay the extra fifty cents for that large diet coke. If your bladder isn't what it used to be and Depends aren't in your wardrobe, then sit on the end of the aisle so that getting to the restroom will not require you to trip over the feet of fourteen people.
You can sneak candy into the theater, everybody does it. But never bring an unopened bag of candy individually wrapped in paper that crinkles with every touch. The annoying sound of each candy piece being opened is equivalent to fingernails scraping across a blackboard.
If you wear a hearing aid turn it way, way down before the pre-show entertainment begins or you won't ever hear anything again. The volume in movie theaters is generally set at the level of a rock concert. You remember rock music, it's the stuff you didn't want your kids to listen to.
We know you used to go to the movies for a quarter and that soft drinks were a dime and popcorn fifteen cents. I used to get paid sixty-five cents an hour for dipping five cent ice creams cones too, but none of that is relevant. Ticket prices are high and the snack bar can cost more than a short vacation. These things are true and you can discuss them until your heart's content after the movie is over.
See you at the movies. I'll be the one sharing a small drink and popcorn with my wife while not so subtly opening a bag of Riesens.